I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy