I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*