The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Who knew!
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.