i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
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It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
A short story of betrayal:
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”