me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
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Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.