Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers