You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Ummm
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?