There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over