Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.