In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
water it, i dare you
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Never let them know your next move 😂
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Anyone want a chair?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
#FunnyLife Insects
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no