Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Bringing home a sharpie
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.