wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Ah yes. The three genders
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Seals are just dog mermaids.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
me 2 months after i graduated
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try