There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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The internet is full of many things
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Lol
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
work smarter, not harder
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?