Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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Customer is always right
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”