Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Saw online –
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon