My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.