One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.