The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?