‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.