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“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.