Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.