My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I can’t wait!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater