I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.