it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
You Might Also Like
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.