*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
These are my roll models.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)