Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Oh my God.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT