wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”