If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
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My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Passwords are more important than ever.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band