When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
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Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
What the dentist sees
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please