[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”