My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
You Might Also Like
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.