Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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I WON A HAM TODAY
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
#SaturdayBears
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys