7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
guys i’ve cracked the code
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works