Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Good news
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Just parrot things
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”