“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this