Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.