My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
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– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES