Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”