4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.