Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
sensitive skin
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.