Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)