Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church