My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.