Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
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What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.