I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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spicy snake
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.