Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
#Caturday
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar