stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!