“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house