I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
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can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.