I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*